Before we met our brother when I was 9 years old, I spent my childhood years with my two older sisters in the countryside of the Philippines. As the youngest daughter, I grew up closest to my dad. I was his right hand—AKA the flashlight-holder kid. I watched him fix our bikes, helped him find specific tools in his toolbox while he was under the car, and rode with him on his motorbike every weekend to visit the rice fields. Loose shorts, t-shirts, and a pixie cut were my staple look until I was 8 years old. So, yes, I guess you could say that even back then we already knew I was not going to be as feminine as my sisters.
During elementary and high school, I got teased a lot as a “tomboy.” My high school guy best friend even calls me “Dude” up until now, a nickname that started as a tease. I was very active and participated in many social activities like sports, academics, and religion, both in and outside of school. Eventually, I became a religious youth group leader and a member of the music ministry, where we would go to villages to conduct youth camps. I went to church every Sunday and obeyed the teachings in the Bible. I was so deep into my faith that I broke up with my high school boyfriend because I was scared of lying to my parents and going against God’s commandments.
When I got to university, I moved away from home and started living alone. This gave me the opportunity to explore myself more and entertain the thought of dating. From freshman to third year, I saw and dated a few guys who were sweet, kind, and nice, but I still felt like I wasn't ready for a relationship and couldn't see myself with any of them. Then, I became really close friends with someone from the basketball team, but there was a huge problem... she was a girl. I was 18 years old, confused about myself, my faith, and my feelings for her. I didn’t know what to do. What would people say? What would it say about my faith? I was scared but maintained my friendship with her, and after 5 months of inner turmoil, I finally found the courage to tell her my feelings. At that moment, I knew, I felt, I was finally free.
Or so I thought.
We kept our relationship from the public for a while, but when people found out, they laughed, and most were disappointed, especially my sisters. Being in a same-sex relationship was and still is a laughing matter in the Philippines. It’s as if we are viewed as less intelligent than the rest of society. Accepting my sexuality was a big and scary step for me back then. Experiencing ridicule and discrimination is very hurtful for someone who just learned to love themselves and became free from what held them back for so long. I was the happiest and the saddest at the same time. I didn’t come out to my mom until three years later and am still not completely out to my dad due to the fear they might disown me. That thought alone really affects you wholly as a person.
Fortunately, after a few years of seeing me happy and confident, my friends and family became more accepting and slowly began to support me and my relationships. It was and still is a long and slow process. Truly, coming out was a very painful yet freeing experience for me. There were many tears and nervous laughter, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world. It shaped me to be brave and confident about my true self. And I am grateful that I went through that and was able to show everyone that a woman can genuinely love another woman.