Being a panelist for Centennial’s “Conversations for Social Change” was surreal. I didn’t realize how significant it was until I was able to process it afterwards. Although I was out and proud, I was afraid to speak on the panel. It’s interesting, as a queer person who is out, we always get applauded for being “so brave” – and while that’s true – nobody talks about the fear that comes with the bravery.
Nobody talks about the slight fear of having to “come out” to different people throughout our lives and not knowing what their reactions will be. Nobody talks about the slight fear of wearing your rainbow Pride flag out in public and worrying about physical assault or verbal slurs. Nobody talks about the slight fear of talking on a panel about your own experiences as a queer person and how vulnerable that is.
In contrast, there’s also an abundance of courage built up in my chest the more I “come out” to people. A sense of pride swells in my heart when I wear my colours despite the fear. And a light shined through my soul when I opened up about my experiences as a queer Kurdish-Canadian woman on stage at Centennial College. A light I didn’t even know that existed within me.
It’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to tire of hearing “you’re so brave” when you don’t feel that way at all. It’s also okay to feel transformed by every experience we go through as queer people, especially ones that validate us. Being brave and being scared are allowed to coexist, one cannot exist without the other. I’m still learning to navigate between the two and understand that I’m brave even when I’m scared.