I never got the chance to come out. I always denied what I am, or at least what I thought I was. I remember always feeling different. I would make silly wishes at the time because I felt more masculine than other girls in school.
During my time at boarding school in Nigeria, when I was 12 years old, my parents sent me to boarding school after I had failed my entrance exam in Nigeria to high school. They thought maybe I would be able to focus more without home distractions. My time there would pass slowly. In my second semester, I had developed feelings for a girl. It felt strange. I remember writing a letter with all my feelings. I immediately kept it under her pillow. After a while, I thought about what effect it may have. Being in an all-girls dorm, there was a possibility of me being outed, shamed, and mocked. I ended up burning that letter and secret.
Three years later, I would migrate fully to Canada. These feelings that I had suppressed for so long started coming in ways I couldn’t describe. As a kid, I was always labelled as a tomboy, so my mom expected me to grow out of it, and my brother bullied me for it. I grew more comfortable in masculine clothes. It was visibly clear I didn’t conform to the standards of a cis woman. I didn’t really have anyone to speak to about it, so I prayed a lot. At the time, I thought I could pray the gay away. I grew up in a very spiritual household, so things like morning devotion, Bible study, and Sunday service were very much prominent in my life.
My transition to a new country was hard. I was being raised by my mom, who worked multiple night shifts to provide for myself and my sister. She was my support system. Despite that, I was always angry. I felt like I was not enough because of my sexuality. I remember my brothers asking me if I was gay, and I lied at the time, denying anything to do with that. I struggled with acceptance from my family, so arriving in Canada gave me the freedom I needed to explore my sexuality and find out what’s right for me. I was able to have meaningful conversations about sexuality without the fear of being called out publicly or worrying about who might hear. I was able to find a safe space and safe spaces in people.
I am publicly out now, free and proud to love how I want as a masculine-presenting queer woman.
If you are always trying to fit in, you will never realize your full potential.